Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Happy Birthday Angel

Today would have been my mom's 42nd Birthday and the 2nd birthday she's spent in Heaven. I try not to get too down, but today is one of those days I would have been with her, like Christmas. I try to joke and say that she's at an awesome party and I bet they won't be running out of drinks. I try to make it light-hearted to keep everyone else up. I was recently contacted on Facebook by a childhood friend and the first thing she asked was how my mom was doing. Now, who has it harder? Those receiving the news of my mom's untimely death or me having to break it to them? It's a little like she dies every time I have to tell someone. I try to speed through it and say it as emotionless as possible, but I think people feel awkward. But then if I burst into tears how much more uncomfortable is that? I just felt the need to acknowledge that today is my mom's day and that I still love and think about her. I wanted to tell someone that reading all her birthday wishes on her memorial page makes me cry. That looking at her granddaughter and knowing how crazy she would've been about her can be a little overwhelming. I never thought about what I would do without my mom and I am surviving,but sometimes things feel empty.Like getting my A.A. with Honors, or celebrating holidays or even talking to family on her side. I honestly, feel like most of the love and warmth has gone out of my maternal family. She kept everyone together and made sure people showed up for weddings and graduations. She was the strongest woman I know and It's just hard emotionally without her. I didn't even realize what I keep at bay on a daily basis because sitting here truly thinking about her puts me in an all out sob. But you can't see the snotty, crumpled, ugly-cry face. So, thank you. Thank you for listening/reading. 

P.S. I plan to start an October recap. I have been so busy/lazy, but miss posting my little life moments. I'm used to sharing them with her, but now I share them with you.

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